Epiphany Parish

14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. 15 For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received a spirit of adoption. When we cry, 'Abba! Father!' 16 it is that very Spirit bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ-if, in fact, we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. 18 I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the children of God; 34 Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It was a matter of ease of schedule that I requested this date to speak, but it is clear that this is the passage that I needed to study. I have been blessed by God to have a very good life. But, in my past there have been many difficult years of being "lost in the wilderness". I am actually clearer now that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor the present nor things to come have actually been able to separate me from the Love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. But, I have not always been clear.

Part of my clarity was received in Fall 2006 when I was privileged to attend Cursillo sponsored by Connie Gaines. This powerful weekend deepened my understanding, faith and connection to Christ. As I stood on the stage at the end to share my experience with the assembled supporters, I was to concisely express what I received from the weekend. What I shared was that I knew completely that I am never alone, I have never actually been separate from the love of Christ. Interesting that this evening I am to share my thoughts on this passage from Romans.

What is Paul trying to tell us here? In the first part he reminds us that we are indeed God's children. And, if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if we suffer with him we are glorified with him. And the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory about to be revealed to us. So, how do we understand ourselves to be God's children and how do we reveal the glory in us gained from our suffering?

In the second part Paul is rather clear about what it means to be joint-heirs with Christ. According to him there is nothing that can separate us from the love of Christ. The long litany of that which cannot separate us is evidence that he wants us to know in our bodies and souls and we are never alone, never separate from that vast love. Nothing that happens to us here can keep us separate.

However, what I feel that I have to share with you is my experience of feeling very separate from God during the most difficult passages of my life. How I have come to understand more of the process of how it is that we can go through the dark night of the soul, not feeling any connections to God or Christ or anyone; and yet know that we are indeed joint-heirs with Christ at the same time. I imagine that each of you has known something of such a dark night.

There have been many trials in my life however the most difficult period was twenty-three years ago this April when our pregnancy with twins resulted in the death of our daughter, Alaina Marie. Our first pregnancy had been a premature birth, and since Alaina lived only one day it was the first time we were grateful to have already experienced the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Children's. The suffering of that shocking loss did plunge me into that which can indeed separate us from the love of Christ. I have since said my final good-byes to many family members with grief, of course, but nothing like the depth of the loss of Alaina.

Looking back on it, I had been so "dutiful" in my prayer and meditation during pregnancy, I felt betrayed by God-how could this happen when I had been so faithful. Where was the "power of prayer" and why had it been answered in this way?

Thinking back a couple of weeks to Rev. Jane's sermon about the story of the people thirsting and complaining to Moses about the lack of water, she shared that these people had many peak experiences with Moses parting of the Red Sea and receiving the manna, bread from heaven. Yet, they complained and did not trust God. During the loss of Alaina, I had a similar experience of not feeling connected, of not trusting God, and of being afraid and angry that my "prayers had not been answered". But, I also had several peak experiences out of the depths of my loss. Even with the absolute knowledge that Christ was with me, and with Alaina, I felt disconnected and 'complained' and felt very separate indeed.

The peak experience is one that I have not shared with many people, indeed did not share it for many years. During the memorial for Alaina here in the chapel, I was given a vision-a true gift to allow me to know that I am never separate from the love of Christ Jesus our Lord. I looked up at the altar from the front pew and with my eyes closed I was given a vision of Jesus on the cross. As I sat transfixed, the vision continued with the small body of Alaina rising up and being incorporated into the body of Christ through the wound in his side. I recognize that this was an absolute gift, which gave me solace that Alaina was with Christ. Being a therapist, I am privileged to sit with people who are also going through their own losses and often the dark night of their souls. I have come up with a model to try to understand how having experienced the "parting of the Red Sea" and "manna from heaven" we humans can still complain bitterly to Moses for the lack of water. My anger and "complaining" was real and deeply felt. How can we know that we are the children of God, know that we are joint-heirs with Christ and NEVER separate from the love of Christ? How do we understand ourselves to be God's children and how do we reveal the glory in us gained from our suffering as Paul tells us to? How do we go forward in our faith when we have experienced this suffering, and now decisively do not feel any trace of the love of Christ. Even when we have been shown glorious things we cannot hold to them in our pain and misery, in our fear and anger, in our deeply felt grief.

My theory is that this experience is a two level process. At the highest level there is indeed that knowing, that comfort, that utter assurance in the love of God through Christ. At this level we know that everything is as it needs to be, even if we cannot understand it. At the other, lower level of walking through our lives, it is there that we put one foot in front of the other to try to make it, to try to survive. At this level we experience the fear, anger and complaining, the true feelings of disconnection from God, from Christ. It is at this level that we do not see, do not "remember" our blessings from God, our gifts from the Holy Spirit, our experiences of the miracles, our knowledge of never being separate from the love of God through Christ Jesus our Lord. This is the level that the deep griefs of our lives and the fears of the people complaining to Moses exist. In this two level process it is most difficult to remember Christ's love when we are in the lower level of experience. However, both levels are necessary. Remembering the higher level and experiencing it in community helps us even if we cannot access it while we slog along through the lower level of deep pain.

For many years I only focussed on Alaina in the vision. As in Fr. Dan's sermon Sunday about the Gorilla on the basketball court, what evidence of God's glory and grace is present in our lives, which we have not seen? I only recently have focussed on the obvious, the glory of Christ revealed. Eventually we know that we are never separated even in the most trying of life experiences-even when we have no control over our situation or of the fate of our loved ones. However, it took a long time for me to get completely to that eventually-and maybe it was just at my Cursillo. Perhaps it was the Cursillo that built a bridge between these levels of life experience.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, He looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

So, nothing in all of creation can separate you from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord even if you cannot remember that when you are walking in the level of being truly human, as Christ did when he walked amongst us. Amen.

The Glory that shall be Revealed